Coƒƒee §wirls & Velvét Cake ƒor You*
[Monday, June 5]
day 1, week 2: sun with a beautiful breeze
today was pretty coowell (day of the word.) (ofcourse i meant to say word of the day) (i'm tired).
i have 4th graders- for the first time. and i think i love em. thing is, i have two girls from last year with me in my group. it's amazing to see them grown... for example one had problems with being a little mean to the other girls last year. today we hung out together the entire day. i realized i really love some of these kids.
i often wonder what i look like to them. in their eyes, who am i? how long will i last? what memory will i live on in?
i think of my chefs and cheftaines. but they were so much older. so so much older. we never had a college student lead us.
several times i had my girls ask me why i'm a counselour. they often ask about the money and whether or not it's "fun to be a counselour". i tell them i love it....
and then i wonder if, in 10 years, they'll be wearing name tags around their necks answering the same question...
but for some, some reason.... something's wrong. i'm not alright. there's something missing. something broken. something lacking.
i'm not up to it. i can't lead other counselours.
tell me why i dread our meeting. last year we looked forward to tuesday nights so much.
tell me why i get a feeling of dread every night about the morning that approacheth. tell me why i feel i'm going to vomit every morning.
i have no idea how my videos have been watched 14,000 times on youtube.
i Despise... with the utmost hatred, close to that i have for the devil, i DIS PIZE not having a camera. i feel like my camera died on me. i would mourn and wear black but i kinda have to stick to camp clothing.
i'm homesick.
and lovesick.
thing is.
i don't know where home is.
and love is forbidden.
i have 4th graders- for the first time. and i think i love em. thing is, i have two girls from last year with me in my group. it's amazing to see them grown... for example one had problems with being a little mean to the other girls last year. today we hung out together the entire day. i realized i really love some of these kids.
i often wonder what i look like to them. in their eyes, who am i? how long will i last? what memory will i live on in?
i think of my chefs and cheftaines. but they were so much older. so so much older. we never had a college student lead us.
several times i had my girls ask me why i'm a counselour. they often ask about the money and whether or not it's "fun to be a counselour". i tell them i love it....
and then i wonder if, in 10 years, they'll be wearing name tags around their necks answering the same question...
but for some, some reason.... something's wrong. i'm not alright. there's something missing. something broken. something lacking.
i'm not up to it. i can't lead other counselours.
tell me why i dread our meeting. last year we looked forward to tuesday nights so much.
tell me why i get a feeling of dread every night about the morning that approacheth. tell me why i feel i'm going to vomit every morning.
i have no idea how my videos have been watched 14,000 times on youtube.
i Despise... with the utmost hatred, close to that i have for the devil, i DIS PIZE not having a camera. i feel like my camera died on me. i would mourn and wear black but i kinda have to stick to camp clothing.
i'm homesick.
and lovesick.
thing is.
i don't know where home is.
and love is forbidden.
:: {kwoo§hie}* was awake at [10:57 PM]
--::2 lava lamps::--
they will.
they will remember you. they will become counsellors themselves. u may never hear from them again and never know. but they will.
John once told us something that stuck with me forever. He drew an illustration too. Not every person you come in contact with will leap forward, miles and miles ahead. But you having made contact with that person would've pushed him forward, even if an inch. An inch from you, an inch from another counsellor, an inch from a parent....etc...and voila! He's where he should be...even if you can't see that now.
That kinda mean girl...she moved an inch.
And yes, you will feel queezy every morning. This is not easy stuff. The repsonsibility is big and any mistake is even bigger...but that's only if you count on yourself to do it...
I know you're not...so let go and enjoy. Someone else is in charge.
oh...and PS: we always had college students leading us...'xcept we were so mind-boggled by how awesome they were that we never knew. Remember cheftaine Maya? Louma? Sam?...and many more...(i just can't remember which ones you know and which ones you don't)
they will remember you. they will become counsellors themselves. u may never hear from them again and never know. but they will.
John once told us something that stuck with me forever. He drew an illustration too. Not every person you come in contact with will leap forward, miles and miles ahead. But you having made contact with that person would've pushed him forward, even if an inch. An inch from you, an inch from another counsellor, an inch from a parent....etc...and voila! He's where he should be...even if you can't see that now.
That kinda mean girl...she moved an inch.
And yes, you will feel queezy every morning. This is not easy stuff. The repsonsibility is big and any mistake is even bigger...but that's only if you count on yourself to do it...
I know you're not...so let go and enjoy. Someone else is in charge.
oh...and PS: we always had college students leading us...'xcept we were so mind-boggled by how awesome they were that we never knew. Remember cheftaine Maya? Louma? Sam?...and many more...(i just can't remember which ones you know and which ones you don't)
aah. louma.
banging on the shower door the minute you entered threatening to open the door.. i'll have to search that inch. =P
remember this post.
and the irony that followed, that you will soon find out about.
banging on the shower door the minute you entered threatening to open the door.. i'll have to search that inch. =P
remember this post.
and the irony that followed, that you will soon find out about.
