Coƒƒee §wirls & Velvét Cake ƒor You*

my english teacher in high school once said.. "there's nothing new. you can only put things in a different way".
at that moment, i didn't agree with him. i've come up with stuff that i haven't seen anywhere else. i'm not gonna get technical and philosophical. but thing is... now i kinda believe him.
you know why?
coz i have to write an essay.

yes.


freakin.
essay.

note: i am not taking an english class. and nope, i've already done the biz communications.
here's why i believe my teacher now.

coz i am just about pulling my hair trying to find a new way (ie, one that can't be called plagiarism) to write out what has already been said about a billion other times. my assignment is one of those "facts" essays.
easy, right?
yeah. you get a couple of thousand entries on your google search.
you have to filter them.
read them.
take the exact one line quote from each of the 39 sources that you need.
put that together somehow, -in logical order- strung by your own few words ("and, but, however, lastly, despite, according to, in conclusion")
then -oooh this drives me mad- you have to do the bibliography.
now i'm aaall for the whole credit thing.
but do you know how much work that is??
don't tell me the teacher doesn't know all this stuff i'm telling him.
and if this is an exercise to get me to know about the facts.... can't i just make... a ... log? like... i have a voice recorder. i'll go around with a pipe and a sweet checkered hat and a trench coat.
"sarah angela's log. sept 13, 2006. i've just learnt, according to various and credible sources on the internet such as x.com, y.gov, and z.org, that the number of uninsureds in the united states approximates about 47 mill ppl. or was it billion. (i'll just read it off) "
i'll turn it into an mp3, and give it to you.
i'll give you an antivirus software too if that's what you're worried about.
and i'll shine your shoes.

nothing's new.
unless you're expecting me to invent something, you're just making me frustrated and making yourself read 39 essays about the same set of facts that you already know that are posted everywhere that students at this point don't really care about. unless i'm writing a thesis, to get my masters (oh life, how 'beautiful') i am not impressed nor am i in awe of the magnitute of these figures and facts. i have no reason to appreciate them.

i'm just gonna blurt it out one day.
"sir? are you a christian?"
coz i may not know it, but i might be getting seriously psychologically affected by his indifference when discussing death. i come out of the class very disturbed in the mind (other than the pounding of blood, and the aching from having to write 10 words every 1.5 seconds.)

this piece of paper my father is suffering for. this resume entry i'm dragging for. what the crap is it going to mean when i'm standing in front of the golden gates? "no? worthless? oh.. well... do you take visa?"

i'm just so conflicted about this. to a moral degree. mind and conscious say this, spirit and heart say that.
i don't even understand why i'm in insurance. i hate it. i was debating if it's even christian.. what area would i be in? auto insurance? no, too much trouble. health insurance? no, too much deceiving. life insurance? no way. i can barely handle being around old ppl. it breaks my heart. you expect me to get all legal with ppl who just lost someone?
(that shooting in canada had tears in my eyes. i'm already living in fear for my children. (??!) )



...
you know i love to write.
i do.
as i drive home, i write pages and pages of both poetry and prose. (pity they just float away... hey, a6r, do you hear them?)
but that's the thing about them...
they qualify as new.
coz they spawned from you.
someone else might have said it sometime somewhere, but that doesn't de-new-ify it.

actually i once wrote something to someone.
i found in the bible last week.
nearly word for word.
that was sweet.
i'd never read that part of the bible before. and hadn't heard about it or anything...


anyway. what a waste of life, seriously.
being surrounded by all this .... Stuff.
i go through fashion magazines, my eyes shine with potential and longing. how i'd love to work in the fashion industry!! the paperwork, whatever! [or nasa! or... nikon! nokia!!... google!]
but it's in the milliseconds of turning the page when something in me reminds me there's no life there. that's not Life.
the concept of life.... this.... spirit. a being, a beating. a presence of senses. an ability to wonder, to choose.
my mind is forced to function around textbooks and formulas conceived by man. now they're all good, and quite smart. but it's not that i don't gain. it's just that doing that won't be me delighting in God. i don't see how i'd be his Romance that way either.
i want to marvel in God. i want to do it like David did. he had the whole freakin day. he'd wake up and go to sleep talking to God. moon chase the sun. days. that's the closest you can get to being an Adam and Eve without being dead.
so when exactly in my master schedule will i get to do this?
hm?

I forgot how enjoyable it was to read the stuff you write... Wish I could debate with you some of the points you make... unlike you though, writing isn't one of my hobbies...

... Oz ...