Coƒƒee §wirls & Velvét Cake ƒor You*

[Sunday, April 2]

cut

my world is crashing.
fast.

i have destroyed something God gave me. it was beautiful without me and i broke it... i tried to be good, but i am not.
i came to God. i begged. He turned away from me, and would not hear my plea.

i am sleepless.
i have lost my joy.

and i am to face work, tests, projects, and essays everyday this week feeling numb and purposeless.
also this week, i celebrate my depression with the cutting of my hair.

i lay on my side in bed. i stare at the bottle of water on the table. i decide to quench some sort of thirst, but i don't move to reach for it. i feel too weak. my body feels beaten and like it sinks into the mattress, while feather pillows are the only support for my pounding head.

i fear blades, but slit my throat, and leave me to die.
then i can actually kneel, crying before God , and i can ask Him again and again until He answers, or casts me away to a place even deeper than where i am.

2:30am. i should probably sleep.
i switch off the light, and let my irides jump and coil to adjust to my friend, darkness.

:: {kwoo§hie}* was awake at [11:53 PM]