Coƒƒee §wirls & Velvét Cake ƒor You*

warning: mood: dangerously upset.

so i was having an amazingly good day. i felt good after having exercised a bit last night. the weather was nice, and i knew i had done really well on a test i was getting back today. i was right. nailing it sealed my happiness and it looked like today was going to be relatively awesome.
then one of my closest friends came online and we had a serious fight. and i mean serious. i had to leave the lab and sit in the bathroom a bit.
nothing apeals to me now and i'm not up to anything. work is now a drag. meeting with my group tonight is not something i want to do coz i feel like i'll lash out on everything or be totally impartial (oxymoron?). i can't study for any of my finals next week coz my mind is blocked. all i'm capable of right now is sleep. actually maybe even not that. i might need someone to knock me out.

nothing i do is good enough. nothing. not one thing that i do is good enough.
everything i do do, neh. it's not right, or it's not worth anything.
what a waste of time i am.
seriously.
no it's not the stress of exams. i'm really feeling like this.

and you know something? my parents continuously accuse me spending more time on here than anything. you know why? coz blogs don't bring up your past in arguments. they don't bring things up that you felt bad for but tried to move on from. blogs don't put words in your mouth. they don't distort what you actually say. how freakin awesome is that. blog, you're my best friend. it's retarted but i don't care. i have absolutely no reason to sin against blogs. blog doesn't jump to irrelevant conclusions.
it's not that i'm fed up. i'm not that pompous. it's just there's only so much anyone can handle something emotionally. beyond that is madness and a feeling of worthlessness. i am now beyond that point.
i'm away from everyone i love.
i work just to sustain myself. so why do it?
my shelter is a cost to my parents.
i am no use to my brother and have never been told of any benefit i was to him.
i am nothing more than online entertainment and a good way to procrastinate, a amusing student for teachers, and what i hope a solid friend to someone i love.
this whole God thing.
i know there's a plan and all that lovliness.
and God gave me some talents. nothing beneficial to my success apparently, but that's not the point right now. and the success qualification thing is a whole seperate topic.
so... if i'm supposed to be doing something for God, which is what i planned to do after exams (which i'm not entirely sure who i'm doing for), what's with all the suff in the way? i don't mind working harder for God, but why on earth am i considering giving up? i mean, why is it to that extent?? broken relationships, no emotional support. none. (except for that one time ado told me to trust in God even when tying my shoelaces). my body is not fit for anything, and that is my fault. my intelligence and wit only gets me in deep [insert something that rhymes].
what on earth is going on????????
i am not gaining anything. no. no lessons here. no patience testing. this is downright discouraging and degrading. 3 months after i die, who will miss me? what will not function because i'm not around? nothing. God's in control and He doesn't need me around to do that. i feel sick to my stomach and disguested with my value.
i'm not handing over victory.
and i'm not babbling on to justify myself and unhinge the blame.

i'm just entertaining. coz that's all i am. at your cost.


and this time, because you're such a lovely audience, i don't want any comments.

and i'm not joking.